Late last month, “quiet resignation” swept the Internet. While there have been a billion claims so far, the concept is summed up pretty simply: as Sarai Marie, a TikTok user with 1.5 million followers, put it, “You come to work, you do your work, and you go home.” The reasoning goes that if you don’t gain anything extra from “going above and beyond,” what’s the point – especially when your mental health is at stake?
As any single person looking for a serious relationship knows all too well, dating can feel like a part-time – if not full-time – job, so it’s not surprising that you could also benefit from quietly giving it up. Kate McLean, dating expert at Plenty of Fish, points out that putting too much energy and time into your dating life can lead to burnout just as easily as working too much — which is why it’s so important to “quietly give up energy for a more fulfilling dating life.”
What was that really like? “Quitting a date quietly is all about setting clear boundaries and self-awareness,” McLean explains. “It’s about avoiding extremes, whether it’s vowing never to date again or letting the pursuit of your partner occupy your waking hours.”
Here’s why you might benefit from a quiet retreat from your dating life, and how to do it specifically.
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How can a quiet retreat from your dating life make it more satisfying and successful
Whether you’re feeling lonely, tired of endless bad races, highly focused on finding your guy, or all of the above, it’s easy to invest too much time and energy in sliding or actually going out on a date. After all, the more time and effort you put into it, the more likely you are to connect with that special someone. But hitting a wall in your dating life can actually backfire.
“Daters often believe that trying harder means giving everyone a chance, regardless of their instincts and energy level,” says Rachel Ditto, Match’s lead dating expert. This can lead you to spend too much time talking to people who are simply not on the same page.
“Research has shown that those who focus on a small range of options rather than an unlimited number of options are more successful in dating,” she explained. “It’s a change of mindset. Deliberately dating people you think are non-negotiable, giving people who have a chance (because) sometimes first dates are fraught with tension, resulting in bad first impressions, and deliberately continuing only when you know it won’t work will create more success than an ongoing connection that doesn’t delve into the surface.”
Basically, a “quiet exit” — that is, a more conscious exit — sets the stage for higher quality outcomes. As McLean says, “A quiet resignation will make sure you don’t settle for anything you don’t deserve.”
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How to exit your dating life quietly
To be fair, if you’re in the middle of a high-energy quest to find a mate, taking a step back may sound like an easier thing to say than to do. Here are some expert-backed strategies to apply the quiet resignation philosophy to your love life.
Figure out what you want.
DeAlto likes what she calls the “TJ Maxx analogy” – and it works for any similar store, like Target. “If you walk in and you don’t know what you’re looking for, you might get a chair, shampoo and sunglasses,” she points out. “If you walk in looking for a blue shirt, all of a sudden your brain is focused on the blue shirt. They come out of nowhere, like they’re in focus, because that’s how our brains work.”
To date more purposefully, she suggests choosing four non-negotiable qualities, or four enduring, non-superficial qualities that represent the personality traits of an ideal partner. For example, you might choose intelligence, ambition, generosity, and humor.
“If you know what you’re looking at, you’ll find it easier to spot,” DeAlto explains. If the person you’re checking or dating on the app doesn’t have these non-negotiable conditions, you don’t want to date them – no matter how attractive you are, she says.
Even if they do meet your non-negotiable conditions, set boundaries. Go on three dates even if you’re not particularly attractive at first, DeAlto explains, “compatibility can lead to attraction even if the initial butterfly isn’t there.”
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Allocate a certain amount of time to swipe.
Patrick Walsh, LCSW, a psychotherapist in New York City, points out that dating apps are designed to grab your attention and turn it into money. “So you value your attention more than they do,” he advises. “Let apps work for you instead of being tied to their games.”
He recommends setting aside 10 to 20 minutes a day to send messages to potential dates. “That’s all you need to connect with a few people and turn a casual exchange into a phone call, a video call or a cup of coffee,” he says.
If you stay on the app longer, he notes, you may be using it to avoid a problem that should be censored, such as seeking approval or generating a false sense of self-esteem.
Creative.
Using innovative approaches to dating can make dating less exhausting than job hunting, says Ms. McClain. She recommends finding creative, different ways to connect and meet new people. “Maybe it’s watching a funny live stream together, playing online games together, or hanging out with a group of friends first,” she explained.
Practice self-compassion.
“Dating is something you can’t force, but when you’re feeling particularly lonely, it’s easy to want to take control of your dating life,” says Stephanie Macadaan, a licensed marriage and family therapist in California’s Bay Area. “This may lead you to step up your efforts by swiping and dating as much as possible.”
When you’re in this state, it pays to take a step back and acknowledge your loneliness or desire for a partner, says Makadaan. “It’s about being natural and soothing, rather than trying to get rid of those feelings by dating at all costs,” she notes.
Consider a real time out.
“If you’re putting far more energy into dating than you’re getting out of it, it might be time to take a break,” DeAlto notes.
Sure, you may not want to take a break for FOMO, but it’s worth it. “Being re-energized and hopeful after a week or month off can make daters show up in a different way,” she notes. “The most important thing is energy management.”
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It’s easy to think of dating as a numbers game. In many ways, Walsh admits, it is. “You need experience to learn about yourself, to learn about others, and to understand how your character fits in with the character of others,” he said. “The more people you date, the more understanding you get.”
But it’s also important to remember that dating is a quality game. “You need time, attention and presence to get to know someone,” he notes. “You need your heart, your spine, your charm and your judgment. If you get too obsessed with numbers, you sacrifice quality.” That said, you do your best — and do your best to protect your energy — when you’re in balance.
As Macadaan sums it up, “When you keep your dating life flowing, with what level of effort and sliding feels good – as opposed to exhaustion – you’re more in tune with yourself, and that’s what leads to the results you want at the right time.”